But Still (1983)

(Jilline loved this poem)


I can hear your heartbeat
As my head lies on your chest
You cannot claim to love me
And although, I do not
At this time Love you, I would like to.

It's sort of funny, you know
Because only a month ago
David lay on my chest
And he similarly remarked
"I can hear your heartbeat."
I couldn't claim to love him then
And although he, too, did not
At that time Love me, he would have liked to.

But still . . . so still . . .

And so it seems we are all in 'disgrace'
Not just Shannon who is a dog currently suffering from diarrhea,
Not just the English professor who thinks "it could be safe,"
Not just my sibling who has Christ's eyes,
Not just The Woman who remains 'intact,'
Nor Jill who wants to weigh 200 lbs, nor I who am aloof,
Not even Robert who answers the phone,
Or the history professor who, despite what has been said, lies alone on the couch.

And so I can hear all of your heartbeats
Even as I have trembled in the cold,
Let you follow me home,
Told you you were weird,
Shared secrets about Mother and Father,
Tried to break your silence,
Wanted to talk to you all night in Connecticut,
Hid from myself
Loved you but not loved you,
Missed your Friday afternoon lectures.

And yet still . . . so very still . . .