Jack Up and Jerk Off

One thing that disturbs me about as much as the pet crematory plan is a fellow attorney who proceeds frivolously in order to jack up his bill and/or satisfy a client who has unrealistic expectations. Without naming names, there is a father and sons outfit in the adjacent county who are experts at this.

I have a divorce case with one of the sons from that firm and was very happy to finally get the matter into the courthouse this morning. He wangled numerous continuances in this and the pending support matter by insisting, for example, that he was attached in various other court matters for every weekday of one month. Such tactics frustrate me, but I decide early in the case to proceed calmly but firmly--and cheerfully--pretend I don't know what an asshole he is and treat him like any other human being. A typical telephone conversation with him begins like this:

Him: Hullo.

Me: Hi, Dan. How are you?

Him: Fine

Me [cheerfully]: .....That's great, Dan! I'm fine too. Thanks for asking!

Once, he announced he needed yet another continuance because he was going to Italy for two weeks, so I telephone him on the very day he returns and ask (cheerfully, as always), "How was your trip, Dan?" Truthfully, I don't give a shit about his trip and don't want to know anything about it, but his reaction is priceless. So disarmed is he by my continuing to treat him cordially despite his machinations and monotone bullshit that--just for a moment--his voice lifts and he says, "It was really wonderful! We had a great time! We went to--"

"That's great, Dan. Good for you. Now let's talk about the case."

In the courtroom, more shenanigans....he shamelessly proposes an obviously absurd resolution, but while he takes his turn, I sit still, my head down, my hands clasped together, my tongue pressed firmly between my upper and lower teeth. I know I must control myself and appear relaxed; otherwise, I might lunge across the room and strangle him--his assertions are that outrageous. Often, it's hard to remain still when another attorney slings dung at your client. It is a good exercise of self-discipline.

You see, I knew going in that his reputation would precede him. So when it is my turn to speak, I proceed calmly, add a brand new concept which will damage his case even more (my client now has a herniated disc! here are letters from two treating physicians asserting she cannot work--even driving a car is "inadvisable" at this time!), throw a few subtle digs at opposing counsel, even make a few self-deprecating remarks about my client's attorney and then propose the only obviously reasonable resolution.

And when I finish, the master turns to opposing counsel and tells him that I am right and he is wrong; that the case will not proceed as he proposes. Another lawyer might have been angry or felt slapped in the face, embarrassed for making such intentionally outlandish proposals but, true to his form he remains expressionless and merely turns his wrist to check his watch. Court time brings in a higher fee than work done in one's office. In that, he succeeds for the morning. He has jerked off his client--and mine--by unnecessarily protracting the case and thereby increasing both attorneys' bills.

My courthouse work done for the day, I quickly leave, obsessed with the idea of stopping for a frosted cruller at Dunkin' Donuts on my way out of town but decide not to, don't know why. Just want to keep on going.

Sometimes, you do want to keep on going, but life is short, and donuts are good. I could have had a donut. I wish I had one now.